I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
