I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
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