oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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