When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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