Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
