I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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