At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
You're breaking my sexual little heart
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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