I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
