you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
