I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
