I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
So the hot 23 year old i went home with last night is really 17 and was here for orientation.. i feel like a pedifile...
In that case, you should probably come up to the union, orientation is in full swing, your kind of guys ;)
cunt.
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
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