Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
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