John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
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