i think i have two assholes
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
