What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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