At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
