I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
