Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
as a side note pls kill me
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
