6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
