I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
