I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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