turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
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