I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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