I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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