well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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