I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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