Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
