So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
