My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Randomize
