Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
