Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Randomize
