And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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