Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
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