and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Woke up with his dick on the side of my face, it's like he passed out mid-mushroom stamp.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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