I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
