Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
