non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
