I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize
