i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
