and next time when you feel me up, do it right
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
