when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
