Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
wrigley field is MILF paradise
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
