he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
