hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
