So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
