Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
