11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
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