My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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