I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
