I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
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